God is Still in Control: Disappointment and Moving On

When we skyped with Jeff this morning, he had to deliver some bad news.  We finally found out why it was taking so long to get our orders to Germany---we no longer have orders to Germany.  Jeff had a PT test at the end of March. Because of his injured leg, his test depended solely on waist measurement. Unfortunately, he did not meet the waist measurement requirement. Because of this he failed his PT test and received a referral EPR.  Now I completely understand that the military has standards, and he did fail to meet those standards. I will not dispute that and neither would he. In his defense, I will say that he was very limited in the amount of physical activity he was allowed to do per his physical therapist, which did put a snag in his ability to workout. Should he have compensated by eating much more carefully? Yes. Should he have asked around and found alternative methods to maintain fitness? Yes. I am just disappointed because he is an exemplary worker who never misses work, always gives his best, and does not have ANY other disciplinary infractions. His sole blemish is failing this PT test. If things were fair across the board, I would just take my lumps and hush up. However, I have seen troops do things that were against the law and get in less trouble than my husband. I have also seen higher ranking people that are grossly overweight--no way in heck they are actually truthfully passing a  PT test. Just saying.
  Anyway, Jeff's referral EPR makes him ineligible to PCS overseas. Yeah. It felt like someone had punched me in the stomach when I heard that. I was so looking forward to living in Germany. I was so excited to leave and start a new adventure. Now that is not a possibility. We are pretty much at the mercy of the USAF now as to where we will go(stateside).  Because of this, we are just going to see if we can stay at Goodfellow. I'm not crazy about the base or San Angelo(the area, not the people), but Texas has awesome homeschool laws and a fantastic homeschool community. I would hate to randomly get assigned to an area without a local homeschool support group or a state that has extremely difficult requirements for home educators. After having a skype family meeting, we decided that it would be best for our family as a whole to try and stay here. They only person that is totally excited is Jack. He hates change and wasn't too thrilled about moving. He is ecstatic that there is a possibility for him to stay in the same house. lol
  I know God has a plan, and this is part of the plan even if I see it as a disappointment now. I know that God has eternal perspective and sees the big picture. Please pray for us as we go through this uncertainty.  I do not know what lies ahead, but I do know that Romans 8:28 reassures me "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose".

He's Still Working on Me

There was a song I used to sing in Sunday School as a child, and the chorus was:

"He's still working on me to make me what I ought to be.
It took Him just a week to make the moon and stars,
The sun and the earth and Jupiter and Mars.
How loving and patient He must be, He's still working on me."

I look at how far I have traveled in my faith walk, yet there are some places that God is still diligently trying to tap out the dents in me.  The main area I struggle with most is control. I am a control freak. I like order, schedules, routine, and consistency.  To give you an idea, this is how I get us ready for a family vacation: About two weeks before our trip, I make an extremely detailed list of all the things I need to pack. This list is not only sorted by family member, but also by category. Under the "clothing" category, I even list the EXACT outfits that I will be packing for each family member, including my husband.  The category might even have a subcategory such as "pajamas" or "casual clothing".  My grocery lists are similarly organized. I have a separate list on my computer for each store, with the categories organized by store lay-out. When I get to the check out, I place my items on the register belt EXACTLY how I would like them to be bagged. It annoys me to no end if stuff just gets randomly thrown into the bag together. Ok, so you get how crazy I am....
  My husband is supposed to be coming back from Korea in the next couple weeks. We are less than 60 days away from our report no later than date in Germany. This means that even if Jeff comes home when he is supposed to, we still have less than a month to do all the things we need to do before we PCS overseas.  Big UH-OH: Jeff doesn't have his orders yet. He was told that AFPC is still processing the orders.  So that basically means that not only can we not schedule the vast majority of things that we need to schedule in order to move, but also that Jeff does not currently have a final out date from Korea. I have no idea when he is coming home, and apparently nobody else does either. 
   A horrible side-effect of being a control-freak is a lack of patience.  As a person who thinks things should have been done yesterday, it absolutely kills when the time-table is out of my hands. I hate waiting!  It makes me stressed and anxious. However, I recognize these traits as my failure to trust in God and His timing.  I've been praying a much more lately for God to refine some of these impurities in me. When I was having problems trusting in His ability to provide, I prayed earnestly and He answered my prayer by using a fellow Believer to bless our family.  I have also been praying to have the ability to truly trust in His timing. I am sure that it is no coincidence that I have to deal with all this uncertainty about Jeff's homecoming and our move.  God is using these circumstances to refine some of my impurities.
 How does a control-freak learn to trust God? By having the control taken away.  I have absolutely no say in when Jeff gets his orders. I can blame it on the Air Force, but as one of my fellow military spouses likes to remind me, "it is really God who is in control".  I can get frustrated and anxious or I can choose to take in this lesson and embrace relinquishing my place in the driver's seat. As my husband so wisely reminds me, "Everything will work out. It always does."  God never gives up on me.  He will keep banging out my dents, even when I resist and think I can do it myself. I want to close with another verse from the song I mentioned above:

"In the mirror of His Word reflections that I see
Make me wonder why He never gave up on me.
He loves me as I am and helps me when I pray
Remember He's the Potter, I'm the clay."

His Strength is Made Perfect in My Weakness

Recently, I had the honor of listening to author Sara Horn at the base chapel. For those of you unfamiliar with Mrs. Horn, she is a Navy wife and sister in Christ who ministers to fellow military spouses. She has written several books including "God Strong: The Military Wife's Spiritual Survival Guide" and "Faith Deployed: Daily Encouragement for Military Wives". Whether you are new to military life or a seasoned spouse, I highly recommend taking the time to read those two books.  Anyway, the title of Mrs. Horn's message this morning was God Strong, and she discussed the desperate need that we have to go through life's trials relying on the Lord's strength instead of solely depending on ourselves. 
  I very much feel as though God spoke directly into my heart using Sara's words.  I realize that ever since Jeff left, I have been trying to do everything on my own strength, even to the point of exhaustion. I think that sometimes as women, and especially as military spouses, we see asking for help as a sign of weakness so we try to be superwoman. I've always heard "God never gives you more than you can handle" so I try to handle everything alone. I do the mom thing on my own strength. I homeschool on my own strength. I survive this deployment on my own strength.  The only thing about human strength is that it is not infinite; it eventually runs out. I feel like a failure. Tired. Defeated. Alone. Then, the enemy uses these feelings to push me deeper into a pit.
  The thing is even if God very well never gives us more than we can handle, He does not expect or even want us to handle the stresses of life on our own strength. Our Lord wants us to give it to Him. ALL of it.  Psalm 46:1 tells us: "God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble." Catch that last part? "An ever-present help in trouble" Ever-present. He never leaves us. He never grows tired. He never grows weak. He stays by my side watching me flail about in the water trying to escape on my own, and patiently waits for me to ask Him to pull me out.  
  That Sunday morning in the chapel, I knew in my heart what the Lord was trying to tell me. I had tried relying on my own strength, and I had failed. After I put the kids down for their naps and I sat down to for my quiet time with my Lord, I cried out to Him and my soul shouted "I can't do this alone, Lord!" I need Him. I need His strength in all that I do. I gave it all to Him, and so many burdens that had been weighing me down have been lifted.
  No matter what you may be struggling with--marriage difficulties, life changes, parenting challenges, poor health, you do not have to carry these burdens alone. God WANTS to carry your burdens, all you have to do is hand Him the load. 

 

I'm still thankful

 "What is thy season this morning? Is it a season of drought? Then that is the season for showers? Is it a season of great heaviness and black clouds? Then that is the season for showers. 'As thy day so shall thy strength be. I will give thee showers of blessing.' The word is in the plural. All kinds of blessings God will send. All God's blessings go together, like links in a golden chain. If He gives converting grace, He will also give comforting grace. He will send "showers of blessings." Look up today, O parched plant, and open thy leaves and flowers for a heavenly watering."  --Charles Spurgeon--

 When you are deeply in love with your husband, there are no words to describe what it feels like to be separated from him for a great length of time.   Most people assume that it is the big events that I miss him most-holidays, birthdays, anniversaries. While it is impossible to not think about his absence on those days, it is the tiny everyday moments that tug at my heart the most.  The times when we are playing a board game after dinner or our weekly family movie night-those are the times that you can most feel the giant hole in our family.  For me, the absolute worse time is after the kids go to bed. I guess people would assume that I look forward to their 8pm bedtime as the grand finish line to another exhausting day, but instead of feeling relieved, I ache with lonesomeness. My house is quiet and without my children's bubbly noises, and I am filled with the silent loneliness of my new" normal". 
  Like most military families, Jeff and I are without the luxury of having family nearby to watch the kids when we need a date night. We live on one income so it isn't very practical to hire a babysitter AND spend money to go out.  I always thought of our moments together after the kids had gone to bed as our "date" time. Our time to connect,  to be together, and to be a married couple and not just mom and dad.  I always thought the term soulmate was so cheesy that it almost always made me throw up a little in my mouth when I heard someone use that term when describing their significant other. However, I can think of no other word to describe how Jeff feels to me. All wives should feel as important and cherished as my husband makes me feel. I am right below God when it comes to Jeff's list of priorities. No interest or hobby or career would ever replace me in his heart. He is my other half.  He completes me. And, yes, he is my soulmate.
  In addition to missing his companionship, I also miss his partnership. I am so blessed to be married to a man who is a dedicated and involved father. Lyn and Jack are the apple of Jeff's eye and bring so much joy into his heart. I know that it physically pains him to be separated from his children. His greatest joy was always coming home from work and playing with them. Jeff also helps me so much around the house that I am, admittedly, having a bit of a hard time keeping up with everything. It was so nice to have someone to wash the dishes while I bathed the kids or to help me put away laundry. It is so nice to have the extra help with chores because it is difficult to accomplish all the household chores while simultaneously homeschooling my two blessings.  Most military wives will tell you that with each deployment/extended absence you may learn to cope a little better, but it never gets any easier. And yet, in the midst of this storm God has given me so much to praise Him for.
  How blessed am I to even have a husband worthy of missing this much?!  That alone is a gift from GOD! I still am in awe as how He saw me as good enough to be Jeff's wife.  I feel honored that I can even be married to someone of Jeff's magnitude, and yet God saw fit to give him to me. How awesome!
  In addition to blessing me with a truly magnificent husband, the good Lord has gifted us two extraordinary children. They are so obedient and willing to help while their dad is away. Sometimes I am just in awe of the beautiful people my children are. So kind, caring, and wise beyond their years. One of the first comments people make when I tell them that Jeff is gone is, "Wow, I bet it drives you crazy to not get a break from the kids." Honestly, I think the kids are what keep me from going insane. I have their laughter and company to pass the time with. I would hate to be left alone with nothing but my thoughts. Anytime I feel sad, I can just look at them and think about the wonderful two beings that were created from my loving marriage. There is really no great gift I could have been given than that.
  Most of all, God has placed such extraordinary people in my life since we moved to San Angelo almost 5  years ago. Have you ever heard the saying, "There are two types of family you are given in this life. The one you are born into, and the one you choose."?  The friends I have made here truly are my family; I love them like we are of the same blood.  I could not get through this nor any other difficult time I have faced here without God and the "angels" He has placed in my life.  It is such an honor that I have gotten to know, befriend, and love these people. With them, many of life's mountains have been easier to climb.
   Romans 8:28 reminds me that "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." I know that God will use this difficult time in my life to bring glory to His plans for me and my family.  Sometimes my focus is so small that I miss out on the greater picture that God is creating.  Instead of drowning in misery in the storm I may be facing, I will try to keep an eternal perspective and look ahead to the sunny days I know are just over the horizon.

Happy Veterans' Day

On Veterans' Day, I always remember the sacrifices made by all of the men and women who have fought for our country. I am especially thankful for the hero who leads our family. My husband has proudly served as an active duty member of the USAF since 2002. He is fully committed to his job and his country. He genuinely cares about the young airmen that he supervises. Jeff prays for his co-workers every single day; he is concerned when they are having life struggles. Not only does Jeff truly care about his fellow airmen, but also he loves America with all of his heart. Most of all, though, Jeff successfully leads our family while serving his country. Whether he away overseas or beside me in bed, I can count on his level head and discerning heart to lead me. I feel so loved and cherished by him. I am so thankful that our children have him as their father. He loves Lynsey and Jackson so much and makes a point to spend most if not all of his free time with them. Even if their daddy is fighting for freedom thousands of miles away, they can still feel wrapped up in his love. So today I want to say thank you to all of our American airmen, soldiers, marines, and sailors, but I especially want to thank my husband. Jeff, I am grateful not just for your service to our country, but also for your service to our family.

Ten Random Musings about Military Life from an Air Force Wife

1) Every duty station is what I make of it. Even though I sometimes get stationed in places that I would never choose, it is my job to make that place our home for the duration of our time there. I can choose to sit, mope, and complain about how horrible this particular place is OR I can meet new people, explore my surroundings, and try to stay positive. Not only will a good attitude help my spouse and children, but it will also make time go by more quickly if I am stationed in an area I do not particularly care for. Speaking of attitude......

2) My attitude directly affects my husband's job performance. If you have married a military man, you need to quickly realize that everything isn't always going to be all about you. Yes, it is unfortunate if they have to do a mandatory "fun run" on their scheduled day off or get posted to work Christmas. However, taking that out on your husband isn't going to create a better situation. Our husbands have to do what they are told to do. When you think exceptions need to be made for YOU or make selfish choices, you can damage your marriage, your husband's reputation at work, and also affect his squadron as a whole. If your husband isn't able to do his job, then someone else has to unfairly pick up the slack. If you husband doesn't do his job or calls into work because of something insignificant, then YOU are causing another woman's husband to work twice as hard or come in on his day off. We have to always remember that even though we feel like being selfish sometimes our actions can always affect not only our family, but also other families. We have to make the best of our situation as long as our husbands choose to be in the military, even if that means until they retire.

3) Your military friends are irreplaceable. Our military friendships grow deep extremely quickly; we don't have many years to get to know each other. These women and their families become our families. They know what it is like to care for sick kids when you have the flu and hubby is deployed. They are willing to hold your hand while you give birth while your husband is thousands of miles away. They laugh with you, cry with you, and love you because they ARE you.

4) Show your non-military friends some grace. They have never and probably will never know what it is like to be in your shoes. I know how hard it is to restrain yourself from ripping their faces off when they tell you, "I know how you feel when your husband is deployed. My husband just got back from a week long business trip." They really aren't trying to irritate you(even though it is SEVERELY annoying). To them, a week without their husband does feel like a long time. To those of us who have endured 6mos+ long deployments, a week is but a second. So fight the urge to point out the fact that her husband sleeps in a cozy hotel and calls her every night whereas your husband sleeps in a tent and talks to you once a week for 1/2 an hour(oh and there is also the whole possibly getting shot at thing), and just take a deep breath. lol There is a reason God put us in the job of military wives; not every woman can do what we do:-)

5) I always weep when I see a fallen soldier story on the news. I always picture the wife feeling the lump rise in her throat when she sees "the car" pull up in front of her house. I have had nightmares about being that woman. I always sympathize with the pain she must endure when I think, "How will she tell the children their daddy isn't coming home? How will they go on?" The saying goes "all gave some, some gave all" and I think military families who have suffered the loss of a solider, airman, sailor, or marine have definitely sacrificed more than many people will ever know.

6) A holiday isn't important because of the date you celebrate it. What is important is the memories you create. Your children won't always remember that you celebrated Christmas one year on December 27th, but they will remember how it felt to be with their family. We have to make the most of our time as a family together because that is what we will remember years down the road.

7) It really makes me angry when someone criticizes the troops in a personal manner. I know the real sacrifice the troops and their families make, the naysayers don't. It is your right to express your opinion about the wars, but it is juvenile and hateful to personally attack the character and integrity of our American Servicemembers. Just because some individual military members have made poor choices or have displayed ugly behavior doesn't mean that you can assume that all of the troops are like that. Do not condemn the whole because of the unfortunate actions of a very select few. The troops are people just like you. They are fathers, mothers, husbands, wives, brothers, sisters, sons, and daughters. They just feel a calling to serve because they believe in their country. They deserve support even if you do not agree with the conflicts the military is involved in.

8) Do not tell me that you "feel sorry for my kids". There isn't any reason to pity them. My children are extremely loved. They have two parents who are madly in love with each other and also are totally devoted to their children. Yes, my children may have to endure long periods of their dad being absent. Yes, my children move away from friends and see friends move. Yes, my children may move every few years to a new state or even a new country. They know that at the end of the day their family is secure and will love them regardless if they live in Texas or California or Japan. Our surroundings change, our situation may temporarily change, but they know that they love and security our family has is unshakable. Just as God picks special women for the job of military wife, He also chooses strong kids to be military brats:-)

9) You will be alone. A lot. I have spent only 2 Christmases with my husband in 7 years of marriage. Last year he was posted every single major holiday. He misses birthdays and anniversaries. He deploys for months or a year at a time. I have spent more time sleeping in an empty bed than sharing it with him. It takes a strong and secure marriage to be able to endure the stresses of military life. We have to make the most of our time together. To us, quality is really more important than quantity. I have seen the stresses of our life as obstacles Jeff and I have overcome together. It has not broken us, it has only made us stronger. There are many couples who could not successfully stay together with this type of lifestyle; I am very aware that my happy marriage is definitely a blessing. By giving our marriage to God and keeping HIM the focus, we have learned and became stronger as individuals and as a couple.

10) God is paramount on this journey. I cannot count how many tears I have cried out during this military life journey, but I know that my Lord holds each and every teardrop in His hand. HE gives me patience when Jeff is gone and I'm holding down the fort alone. HE places people in my life to be there when I need help or a shoulder to cry on. HE guides my marriage and provided me with a husband who always puts family first. Without God, I definitely would have taken this journey on a much bumpier road. HE carries my family and me in HIS arms, and HE will never let us go.