God is Still in Control: Disappointment and Moving On

When we skyped with Jeff this morning, he had to deliver some bad news.  We finally found out why it was taking so long to get our orders to Germany---we no longer have orders to Germany.  Jeff had a PT test at the end of March. Because of his injured leg, his test depended solely on waist measurement. Unfortunately, he did not meet the waist measurement requirement. Because of this he failed his PT test and received a referral EPR.  Now I completely understand that the military has standards, and he did fail to meet those standards. I will not dispute that and neither would he. In his defense, I will say that he was very limited in the amount of physical activity he was allowed to do per his physical therapist, which did put a snag in his ability to workout. Should he have compensated by eating much more carefully? Yes. Should he have asked around and found alternative methods to maintain fitness? Yes. I am just disappointed because he is an exemplary worker who never misses work, always gives his best, and does not have ANY other disciplinary infractions. His sole blemish is failing this PT test. If things were fair across the board, I would just take my lumps and hush up. However, I have seen troops do things that were against the law and get in less trouble than my husband. I have also seen higher ranking people that are grossly overweight--no way in heck they are actually truthfully passing a  PT test. Just saying.
  Anyway, Jeff's referral EPR makes him ineligible to PCS overseas. Yeah. It felt like someone had punched me in the stomach when I heard that. I was so looking forward to living in Germany. I was so excited to leave and start a new adventure. Now that is not a possibility. We are pretty much at the mercy of the USAF now as to where we will go(stateside).  Because of this, we are just going to see if we can stay at Goodfellow. I'm not crazy about the base or San Angelo(the area, not the people), but Texas has awesome homeschool laws and a fantastic homeschool community. I would hate to randomly get assigned to an area without a local homeschool support group or a state that has extremely difficult requirements for home educators. After having a skype family meeting, we decided that it would be best for our family as a whole to try and stay here. They only person that is totally excited is Jack. He hates change and wasn't too thrilled about moving. He is ecstatic that there is a possibility for him to stay in the same house. lol
  I know God has a plan, and this is part of the plan even if I see it as a disappointment now. I know that God has eternal perspective and sees the big picture. Please pray for us as we go through this uncertainty.  I do not know what lies ahead, but I do know that Romans 8:28 reassures me "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose".

He's Still Working on Me

There was a song I used to sing in Sunday School as a child, and the chorus was:

"He's still working on me to make me what I ought to be.
It took Him just a week to make the moon and stars,
The sun and the earth and Jupiter and Mars.
How loving and patient He must be, He's still working on me."

I look at how far I have traveled in my faith walk, yet there are some places that God is still diligently trying to tap out the dents in me.  The main area I struggle with most is control. I am a control freak. I like order, schedules, routine, and consistency.  To give you an idea, this is how I get us ready for a family vacation: About two weeks before our trip, I make an extremely detailed list of all the things I need to pack. This list is not only sorted by family member, but also by category. Under the "clothing" category, I even list the EXACT outfits that I will be packing for each family member, including my husband.  The category might even have a subcategory such as "pajamas" or "casual clothing".  My grocery lists are similarly organized. I have a separate list on my computer for each store, with the categories organized by store lay-out. When I get to the check out, I place my items on the register belt EXACTLY how I would like them to be bagged. It annoys me to no end if stuff just gets randomly thrown into the bag together. Ok, so you get how crazy I am....
  My husband is supposed to be coming back from Korea in the next couple weeks. We are less than 60 days away from our report no later than date in Germany. This means that even if Jeff comes home when he is supposed to, we still have less than a month to do all the things we need to do before we PCS overseas.  Big UH-OH: Jeff doesn't have his orders yet. He was told that AFPC is still processing the orders.  So that basically means that not only can we not schedule the vast majority of things that we need to schedule in order to move, but also that Jeff does not currently have a final out date from Korea. I have no idea when he is coming home, and apparently nobody else does either. 
   A horrible side-effect of being a control-freak is a lack of patience.  As a person who thinks things should have been done yesterday, it absolutely kills when the time-table is out of my hands. I hate waiting!  It makes me stressed and anxious. However, I recognize these traits as my failure to trust in God and His timing.  I've been praying a much more lately for God to refine some of these impurities in me. When I was having problems trusting in His ability to provide, I prayed earnestly and He answered my prayer by using a fellow Believer to bless our family.  I have also been praying to have the ability to truly trust in His timing. I am sure that it is no coincidence that I have to deal with all this uncertainty about Jeff's homecoming and our move.  God is using these circumstances to refine some of my impurities.
 How does a control-freak learn to trust God? By having the control taken away.  I have absolutely no say in when Jeff gets his orders. I can blame it on the Air Force, but as one of my fellow military spouses likes to remind me, "it is really God who is in control".  I can get frustrated and anxious or I can choose to take in this lesson and embrace relinquishing my place in the driver's seat. As my husband so wisely reminds me, "Everything will work out. It always does."  God never gives up on me.  He will keep banging out my dents, even when I resist and think I can do it myself. I want to close with another verse from the song I mentioned above:

"In the mirror of His Word reflections that I see
Make me wonder why He never gave up on me.
He loves me as I am and helps me when I pray
Remember He's the Potter, I'm the clay."

A Different Kind of Birthday Party

Lynsey and Jackson giving to Toys for Tots

   Birthday parties have started to have a different tone among our wonderful circle of friends, and I absolutely LOVE it.  It began when one of my friend's daughter decided to do something for charity instead of receiving gifts at her birthday party.  She had each guest bring a baby item that she could donate to the Pregnancy Help Center of the Concho Valley.  I donate as many items and time as I can to this wonderful organization so Lynsey and Jack were really excited to pick out the baby item to donate.  After this, another one of Lyn's and Jack's friends decided to have each of her birthday guests donate a few dollars to help build a well in an impoverished area.  The kind and giving spirit among our circle of friends, especially these children, really touches my heart.  I love that these children are willing to use their special day to bless others that are not as fortunate.  

  Soon it was time for us to plan a party for our two November babies. I was really hoping that my children would be willing to do a charity also in lieu of toys not only because they are truly blessed and have a massive amount of toys, but also because we need to reduce some of our "stuff" before we PCS overseas.  However, I strongly feel that giving is an act of the heart and should not be forced. I wanted them to willingly choose to donate instead of receiving gifts. I should have known that it would not even be an issue for them because our children already have servants' hearts.  In lieu of  receiving birthday gifts at their party, Lynsey and Jackson requested that each family bring an unwrapped new toy for Toys for Tots.  After we cleaned up the destruction left by cake, pinatas, and games, we took the kids to the BX to put the toys in the Toys for Tots bin.  They were so excited, and after the last toy was placed inside Lynsey exclaimed, "Look! We almost filled it to the top!"  Jackson was so happy thinking about how special the children would feel when they got to open those toys Christmas morning.  The love and generosity of my children not only brought tears to my eyes(which everyone teased me for. I'm a little oversensitive lol), but it also convicted me. I know I would not have made such a choice for one of my birthdays as a child.  In fact, my children made me evaluate if I even do enough now as an adult to bless others.  It amazes me everyday how much I need to strive to be a little more like Lynsey and Jack:-)

His Strength is Made Perfect in My Weakness

Recently, I had the honor of listening to author Sara Horn at the base chapel. For those of you unfamiliar with Mrs. Horn, she is a Navy wife and sister in Christ who ministers to fellow military spouses. She has written several books including "God Strong: The Military Wife's Spiritual Survival Guide" and "Faith Deployed: Daily Encouragement for Military Wives". Whether you are new to military life or a seasoned spouse, I highly recommend taking the time to read those two books.  Anyway, the title of Mrs. Horn's message this morning was God Strong, and she discussed the desperate need that we have to go through life's trials relying on the Lord's strength instead of solely depending on ourselves. 
  I very much feel as though God spoke directly into my heart using Sara's words.  I realize that ever since Jeff left, I have been trying to do everything on my own strength, even to the point of exhaustion. I think that sometimes as women, and especially as military spouses, we see asking for help as a sign of weakness so we try to be superwoman. I've always heard "God never gives you more than you can handle" so I try to handle everything alone. I do the mom thing on my own strength. I homeschool on my own strength. I survive this deployment on my own strength.  The only thing about human strength is that it is not infinite; it eventually runs out. I feel like a failure. Tired. Defeated. Alone. Then, the enemy uses these feelings to push me deeper into a pit.
  The thing is even if God very well never gives us more than we can handle, He does not expect or even want us to handle the stresses of life on our own strength. Our Lord wants us to give it to Him. ALL of it.  Psalm 46:1 tells us: "God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble." Catch that last part? "An ever-present help in trouble" Ever-present. He never leaves us. He never grows tired. He never grows weak. He stays by my side watching me flail about in the water trying to escape on my own, and patiently waits for me to ask Him to pull me out.  
  That Sunday morning in the chapel, I knew in my heart what the Lord was trying to tell me. I had tried relying on my own strength, and I had failed. After I put the kids down for their naps and I sat down to for my quiet time with my Lord, I cried out to Him and my soul shouted "I can't do this alone, Lord!" I need Him. I need His strength in all that I do. I gave it all to Him, and so many burdens that had been weighing me down have been lifted.
  No matter what you may be struggling with--marriage difficulties, life changes, parenting challenges, poor health, you do not have to carry these burdens alone. God WANTS to carry your burdens, all you have to do is hand Him the load. 

 

I'm still thankful

 "What is thy season this morning? Is it a season of drought? Then that is the season for showers? Is it a season of great heaviness and black clouds? Then that is the season for showers. 'As thy day so shall thy strength be. I will give thee showers of blessing.' The word is in the plural. All kinds of blessings God will send. All God's blessings go together, like links in a golden chain. If He gives converting grace, He will also give comforting grace. He will send "showers of blessings." Look up today, O parched plant, and open thy leaves and flowers for a heavenly watering."  --Charles Spurgeon--

 When you are deeply in love with your husband, there are no words to describe what it feels like to be separated from him for a great length of time.   Most people assume that it is the big events that I miss him most-holidays, birthdays, anniversaries. While it is impossible to not think about his absence on those days, it is the tiny everyday moments that tug at my heart the most.  The times when we are playing a board game after dinner or our weekly family movie night-those are the times that you can most feel the giant hole in our family.  For me, the absolute worse time is after the kids go to bed. I guess people would assume that I look forward to their 8pm bedtime as the grand finish line to another exhausting day, but instead of feeling relieved, I ache with lonesomeness. My house is quiet and without my children's bubbly noises, and I am filled with the silent loneliness of my new" normal". 
  Like most military families, Jeff and I are without the luxury of having family nearby to watch the kids when we need a date night. We live on one income so it isn't very practical to hire a babysitter AND spend money to go out.  I always thought of our moments together after the kids had gone to bed as our "date" time. Our time to connect,  to be together, and to be a married couple and not just mom and dad.  I always thought the term soulmate was so cheesy that it almost always made me throw up a little in my mouth when I heard someone use that term when describing their significant other. However, I can think of no other word to describe how Jeff feels to me. All wives should feel as important and cherished as my husband makes me feel. I am right below God when it comes to Jeff's list of priorities. No interest or hobby or career would ever replace me in his heart. He is my other half.  He completes me. And, yes, he is my soulmate.
  In addition to missing his companionship, I also miss his partnership. I am so blessed to be married to a man who is a dedicated and involved father. Lyn and Jack are the apple of Jeff's eye and bring so much joy into his heart. I know that it physically pains him to be separated from his children. His greatest joy was always coming home from work and playing with them. Jeff also helps me so much around the house that I am, admittedly, having a bit of a hard time keeping up with everything. It was so nice to have someone to wash the dishes while I bathed the kids or to help me put away laundry. It is so nice to have the extra help with chores because it is difficult to accomplish all the household chores while simultaneously homeschooling my two blessings.  Most military wives will tell you that with each deployment/extended absence you may learn to cope a little better, but it never gets any easier. And yet, in the midst of this storm God has given me so much to praise Him for.
  How blessed am I to even have a husband worthy of missing this much?!  That alone is a gift from GOD! I still am in awe as how He saw me as good enough to be Jeff's wife.  I feel honored that I can even be married to someone of Jeff's magnitude, and yet God saw fit to give him to me. How awesome!
  In addition to blessing me with a truly magnificent husband, the good Lord has gifted us two extraordinary children. They are so obedient and willing to help while their dad is away. Sometimes I am just in awe of the beautiful people my children are. So kind, caring, and wise beyond their years. One of the first comments people make when I tell them that Jeff is gone is, "Wow, I bet it drives you crazy to not get a break from the kids." Honestly, I think the kids are what keep me from going insane. I have their laughter and company to pass the time with. I would hate to be left alone with nothing but my thoughts. Anytime I feel sad, I can just look at them and think about the wonderful two beings that were created from my loving marriage. There is really no great gift I could have been given than that.
  Most of all, God has placed such extraordinary people in my life since we moved to San Angelo almost 5  years ago. Have you ever heard the saying, "There are two types of family you are given in this life. The one you are born into, and the one you choose."?  The friends I have made here truly are my family; I love them like we are of the same blood.  I could not get through this nor any other difficult time I have faced here without God and the "angels" He has placed in my life.  It is such an honor that I have gotten to know, befriend, and love these people. With them, many of life's mountains have been easier to climb.
   Romans 8:28 reminds me that "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." I know that God will use this difficult time in my life to bring glory to His plans for me and my family.  Sometimes my focus is so small that I miss out on the greater picture that God is creating.  Instead of drowning in misery in the storm I may be facing, I will try to keep an eternal perspective and look ahead to the sunny days I know are just over the horizon.

Blessed to be Called

 Jeff and I want to share something that God has placed in our hearts.  It is not public knowledge, but Jeff and I have hoped to conceive another child ever since he returned home from Iraq in 2009.  Lynsey and Jackson are such blessings to us. We are head over heals in love with being parents! We have always planned to have a large family, hoping that was God's will for us.  Almost 3 years later, it seems that God's will is not for us to conceive another child, at least at this time. I have pondered, struggled, and even gotten angry over this. It seemed so unfair, especially because it seemed like everyone else was getting pregnant.   It was even more puzzling because we never had issues getting pregnant before.  I prayed day and night to make sense of this. I had so much difficulty understanding why God's answer was "NO".  Weren't we good parents, raising our children to love and know the Lord?  I sometimes neglect to realize that God always has a plan, and His plans are much bigger than what I think I need.  I stopped praying to ask Him "why?", and I started praying for God to show me what His plan was for my life.

     After much prayer and research, we believe that God has called us to adopt.  I very truly believe that this is His will for our family.  We have always been aware of all the children in need of homes, and very often donate to causes that care for orphans and needy children. We also have always been open to adoption, thinking it was something we would pursue down the road when Lyn and Jack were teens. It seems that God feels like now is the time for us to pursue this.  He has given us very clear direction and encouragement about this decision. Many signs happened over the previous week that made me feel even more confident that this is the right choice for our family. First, adoption was mentioned in our CBS lecture last week.  My good friend sitting next to me already knew of our plans and gave me a knowing glance. We both knew that it was a nudge from God.  After CBS, the children and I got in the van and turned on KLOVE only to hear an woman who had been adopted talking about the blessing of adoption.  The next morning when I logged onto Facebook, the first status on my news feed was from Not of this World clothing company. The status stated, "The Lord will provide!".  I truly believe that these things were not random coincidences, but signs of encouragement from the Lord.
So what's next???......   We have been in contact with a Christian agency, and are planning an international adoption.Upon the agency's request(and we are in agreement with them about this), we will not begin the process until Jeff returns from Korea in 2013.  There is still so much we'll have to do: raise funds, tons of paper work, complete a home study, wait for a referral, etc. However, we know our God will be beside us every step of the way.
  We are so excited to be called to embark on this wonderful journey.  Like so many others, I felt discouragement because it seemed like my own plans weren't working out, but I just needed to listen to the Lord to realize that He had other things in store for our family.  This isn't our "Plan B"; adoption was God's plan for us all along:-)

 

My One Word

I have never really gotten into the whole New Year's resolution thing. Maybe it is because I am afraid to commit to something that I may fail. I have made silent commitments, inside my head such as: "This year I will lose weight" or "I am going to be a more positive person." Regardless, those tiny "resolutions" have only been whispers to myself because I would never share them with someone who would actually hold me accountable.  It isn't that I don't like to set goals. I am actually a pretty driven person. I just don't like the artificial feeling that a New Year's resolution brings. It is sort of like that one acquaintance that you always run into and she promises that she will call, and you'll have to do lunch because she feels just awful that we haven't seen each other in ages. She knows she doesn't really intend on calling, and I know that she doesn't intend on calling, yet the idea of it is nice enough to keep us in acquaintance status. That is how a New Year's resolution feels to me. It is nice in theory, but what good is it going to do for me to set something up that I have no intention on following through with. I'm not knocking others for choosing to have a resolution. I actually know plenty of people who always accomplish their goal by the end of the year. It is just too intimidating for me.
  So today on the way to homeschool playgroup, my children and I were listening to our usual radio station of choice-KLOVE. I heard one of the DJ's mention a concept created by a pastor(his location and name escapes me) called My One Word(http://myoneword.org/).  The vision of  My One Word is this:

"Our resolutions seldom work because they focus on the type of person we want to become rather than who God wants us to be. Many people do not see God at work in their lives simply because they don’t know what to look for. So, what if our hopes for the year centered on who God wanted us to become instead?
  My One Word is an experiment designed to move beyond the past and look ahead. The challenge is simple: lose the long the list of changes you want to make this year and instead pick one word. This process provides clarity by taking all of your big plans for life change and narrowing them down into a single thing. Your one word focuses on your character and creates a vision for your future. So, we invite you to join us and pick a word."

 I was so captivated by this concept that I immediately began pondering what my one word would be. I wanted a word that would encompass everything that I hoped to accomplish and to help me become more of the person God designed me to be. After much deliberation, I decided that my word for this year would be FOCUS.   I will illustrate how I plan to implement focus into my life using JOY-Jesus, Others, Yourself

Jesus--I will focus more on HIM and HIS plan for me than my own.  I will focus more of my time serving and listening to HIM by saving and donating more resources, donating more of my time, and spending more of my time focused on God's word by giving up other things--computer time, extra activities, etc

Others--I will focus more on my family and my marriage. This is especially important for the last few months we have together before Jeff leaves for a year long unaccompanied tour to Korea in April.  I sometimes need to remind myself that before there was Lynsey and Jackson, there was just Jeff and me. I need to work just as hard in my wife role as I do in my homeschooling momma role.  It is sometimes hard for me to put forth that extra energy at the end of the day to focus on solely my husband and his needs. It seems like after the kids go to bed, I'm rushing around finishing up the tasks I didn't get accomplished during my day. However, I am going to make it a point to spend more QUALITY time with my hubby.  I also want to focus more of my time and resources to help others. This may be by witnessing, serving, hospitality, or whatever God uses me for.

Yourself(me)--I want to set a goal of OVERALL health. I do not want to be a certain weight or dress size. I want to focus on eating real, unprocessed foods that nourish my body.  I want to take the time to exercise even on days that I think I should be doing the laundry instead, and on those days I will remind myself how much better I feel after a good cardio workout.  I want to be in God's word and spend more time with HIM. I can only do this by rearranging my priorities and making a point to put HIM first.

I didn't mean to get so lengthy, but I'm really excited about my one word--FOCUS.  I may not reach all of my goals in the way I hope for, but I am really optimistic about the positive effect of being more focused will have on my life.  So, what is your one word?

A Wife of Noble Character

“A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.” (Proverbs 31:10)

“I don’t like reading Proverbs 31 because no woman can live up to that.” I hear this often from women. I can see their point because the day isn’t long enough to accomplish everything that’s mentioned in those verses! Has anyone else wondered how on earth we even start aspiring to be this woman? And why should we even try? Even the author of this chapter says, "An excellent wife, who can find?" Yeah, where is she? We are constantly being told by the media and the people around us that we are not good enough, and most women today are desperately in need of refreshment and encouragement, not another list of things to do or be. Was Proverbs 31 written to be yet another list for us to measure up to?
Yes, and no. There is no denying that God has a set of standards and expectations He has placed for us. As children of God, we are to be living Christ like lives. As women, we are to be reflecting God's character by being virtuous women. Proverbs 31 may be seen as the outward results of a heart that is being transformed into Christlikeness, the observable image of a woman after God's own heart. The Proverbs 31 woman is not perfect, not would she claim to be. Humility is one thing that sets a godly woman apart. Just as Paul speaks of the fact that he has not attained perfection and is still pressing on towards the goal" in Philippians 3:12-14, we also are to be striving to be the woman that God intends us to be. This does not mean that we have to accomplish it all in one day. It does not mean that God expects us to be perfect. It means that we are living with a focus on becoming that woman, wife, and mother that God desires us to be and to be consistently growing towards that. a
A wise woman once said, "Who we are today is who we will become tomorrow." This shows the fluidity of the growing process. An excellent wife is not born on her wedding day. She becomes excellent step by step, year by year, by walking in the direction of excellence with the guidance of the Lord. This kind of worth does not simply fall upon you, it is cultivated over time. Trying to change into the person we want to be in five years in an overwhelming thought, but what about just being a little more like the person you want to be today? Just today. When we look at the situations we face today and consider how that woman we want to become would handle theses situations, that gives us not only a better idea of how to become the woman we know that God desires us to be, but is a task that seems a little more manageable.
It is also important to realize that attempting to be this woman apart from nourishing, sustaining, life-giving relationship with Jesus Christ is only going to lead to burnout and resentment. The story of Martha and Mary shows us that if we are not taking time to sit at the feet of Jesus and let Him speak to us personally, then we are missing the most important thing, the thing that gives us strength for the tasks of the day, enables us to maintain and nurture the relationships in our lives, and to play the roles that we are daily required to play.
Mary was not being lazy when she spent time with Jesus. She was most likely taking time from her busy day of responsibilities to do what was foundational for everything else she did. She was soaking in the love of Christ. The heart of a Proverbs 31 woman is the type of heart that Jesus had, and wants to develop in us as well.
Let him do work in your life and listen for him to give you guidance throughout the day. Let him lavish you with his love so that you are full, healthy and able to give the same care to your husband and children that He desires to give to you.
Now that we see that the idea is to be on a journey of allowing God to work in your life in a way that transforms you into his image, and that gaining the strength for that journey comes from and intimate and nourishing relationship with our Lord and Savior
In the end, to be an excellent wife, is impossible without 2 things: fear of the Lord and a husband*. To fear the Lord is the beginning of knowledge (Proverbs 1:7), and it is also the only thing that would motivate someone to work that hard to be a blessing to their spouse. Her reward? Blessings money could never buy and no shopping trip could compare with. The ability to smile at the future. Children who rise up and call her blessed (Proverbs 31:28). And the praise of her husband:
Many daughters have done nobly,
"But you excel them all". — Proverbs 31:29
Any Christian woman that has a heart to obey God can become an excellent wife.

"Not that I have already obtained it or have already become perfect but I press on so that I may lay hold of that for which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus. Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do; forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:12-14