God is Still in Control: Disappointment and Moving On

When we skyped with Jeff this morning, he had to deliver some bad news.  We finally found out why it was taking so long to get our orders to Germany---we no longer have orders to Germany.  Jeff had a PT test at the end of March. Because of his injured leg, his test depended solely on waist measurement. Unfortunately, he did not meet the waist measurement requirement. Because of this he failed his PT test and received a referral EPR.  Now I completely understand that the military has standards, and he did fail to meet those standards. I will not dispute that and neither would he. In his defense, I will say that he was very limited in the amount of physical activity he was allowed to do per his physical therapist, which did put a snag in his ability to workout. Should he have compensated by eating much more carefully? Yes. Should he have asked around and found alternative methods to maintain fitness? Yes. I am just disappointed because he is an exemplary worker who never misses work, always gives his best, and does not have ANY other disciplinary infractions. His sole blemish is failing this PT test. If things were fair across the board, I would just take my lumps and hush up. However, I have seen troops do things that were against the law and get in less trouble than my husband. I have also seen higher ranking people that are grossly overweight--no way in heck they are actually truthfully passing a  PT test. Just saying.
  Anyway, Jeff's referral EPR makes him ineligible to PCS overseas. Yeah. It felt like someone had punched me in the stomach when I heard that. I was so looking forward to living in Germany. I was so excited to leave and start a new adventure. Now that is not a possibility. We are pretty much at the mercy of the USAF now as to where we will go(stateside).  Because of this, we are just going to see if we can stay at Goodfellow. I'm not crazy about the base or San Angelo(the area, not the people), but Texas has awesome homeschool laws and a fantastic homeschool community. I would hate to randomly get assigned to an area without a local homeschool support group or a state that has extremely difficult requirements for home educators. After having a skype family meeting, we decided that it would be best for our family as a whole to try and stay here. They only person that is totally excited is Jack. He hates change and wasn't too thrilled about moving. He is ecstatic that there is a possibility for him to stay in the same house. lol
  I know God has a plan, and this is part of the plan even if I see it as a disappointment now. I know that God has eternal perspective and sees the big picture. Please pray for us as we go through this uncertainty.  I do not know what lies ahead, but I do know that Romans 8:28 reassures me "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose".

The Empty Chair

  Today is Mother's Day. The one day a year when moms get their moment in the sun. The day when we get thanked for all the things we do for our husband and children.  The day when we look at one of our greatest gifts from God, our family, and thank Him for the blessing that it is to be a mother. I tried really hard to concentrate on all those things today, but I mostly kept thinking about the empty seat.
     We went to church with all the little families lining the pews, spending the day together to worship God and honor Mom.  The kids and I sat in our normal place, but there was a spot next to me that wasn't filled. An empty seat.
     We came home from church to have lunch. The kids wanted their usual almond butter on sprouted bread. After I made sure they had everything they needed, I sat down with my salad. We laughed and chit-chatted while we ate, but across from me there was someone missing. An empty seat.
   Later in the afternoon, the kids had their violin recital. The recital happens once a year, every spring. This was Lyn's third year performing, but Jackson made his recital debut. He is so super shy so I wasn't surprised when one of his requests was for me to stand next to him on stage. He was so brave as he walked on stage in front of the audience and played his piece--the first 8 notes of a song. He took his little bow, and I escorted him off the stage and back into our seats. Next to me there was Lyn's violin case in an unused chair. An empty seat, at least void of person anyway.
   Over this past year, the Empty Seat has been the most obvious symbol of my husband's absence. He's missed so much--birthdays, holidays, soccer games.  I always feel a little bit of sorrow, missing him when I know how much he wishes he could be there.
  We talk very openly in our family about our feelings. I never discourage the kids when they need to talk when they are having a "I miss daddy day". I always empathize with them, letting them know that it is ok to miss him because it means that we have such a great daddy we miss so much. I never mention the empty seat though, but I guess it is pretty symbolic to them too.
   After dinner, I felt we all deserved a special treat so we went out for frozen yogurt. Hey, I had to still cook 3 meals myself today so I figured a little dessert was warranted:-)   The kids decided that they wanted to eat at one of the outside tables. So we go and sit down at a table with four chairs. We are enjoying our yogurt, and I notice that Lynsey is exceptionally quiet with a rather sullen expression. So then I ask her:

"What's wrong?"

"Oh, nothing."
         
          "Do you not like that flavor?"

"Yes, I like it"
         
          "I can tell something is bothering you. You can tell me."

*sigh* "I'm just thinking about the empty chair at our table."

           I squeeze her hand. "Me too, honey. Me too."

A Different Kind of Birthday Party

Lynsey and Jackson giving to Toys for Tots

   Birthday parties have started to have a different tone among our wonderful circle of friends, and I absolutely LOVE it.  It began when one of my friend's daughter decided to do something for charity instead of receiving gifts at her birthday party.  She had each guest bring a baby item that she could donate to the Pregnancy Help Center of the Concho Valley.  I donate as many items and time as I can to this wonderful organization so Lynsey and Jack were really excited to pick out the baby item to donate.  After this, another one of Lyn's and Jack's friends decided to have each of her birthday guests donate a few dollars to help build a well in an impoverished area.  The kind and giving spirit among our circle of friends, especially these children, really touches my heart.  I love that these children are willing to use their special day to bless others that are not as fortunate.  

  Soon it was time for us to plan a party for our two November babies. I was really hoping that my children would be willing to do a charity also in lieu of toys not only because they are truly blessed and have a massive amount of toys, but also because we need to reduce some of our "stuff" before we PCS overseas.  However, I strongly feel that giving is an act of the heart and should not be forced. I wanted them to willingly choose to donate instead of receiving gifts. I should have known that it would not even be an issue for them because our children already have servants' hearts.  In lieu of  receiving birthday gifts at their party, Lynsey and Jackson requested that each family bring an unwrapped new toy for Toys for Tots.  After we cleaned up the destruction left by cake, pinatas, and games, we took the kids to the BX to put the toys in the Toys for Tots bin.  They were so excited, and after the last toy was placed inside Lynsey exclaimed, "Look! We almost filled it to the top!"  Jackson was so happy thinking about how special the children would feel when they got to open those toys Christmas morning.  The love and generosity of my children not only brought tears to my eyes(which everyone teased me for. I'm a little oversensitive lol), but it also convicted me. I know I would not have made such a choice for one of my birthdays as a child.  In fact, my children made me evaluate if I even do enough now as an adult to bless others.  It amazes me everyday how much I need to strive to be a little more like Lynsey and Jack:-)

I'm still thankful

 "What is thy season this morning? Is it a season of drought? Then that is the season for showers? Is it a season of great heaviness and black clouds? Then that is the season for showers. 'As thy day so shall thy strength be. I will give thee showers of blessing.' The word is in the plural. All kinds of blessings God will send. All God's blessings go together, like links in a golden chain. If He gives converting grace, He will also give comforting grace. He will send "showers of blessings." Look up today, O parched plant, and open thy leaves and flowers for a heavenly watering."  --Charles Spurgeon--

 When you are deeply in love with your husband, there are no words to describe what it feels like to be separated from him for a great length of time.   Most people assume that it is the big events that I miss him most-holidays, birthdays, anniversaries. While it is impossible to not think about his absence on those days, it is the tiny everyday moments that tug at my heart the most.  The times when we are playing a board game after dinner or our weekly family movie night-those are the times that you can most feel the giant hole in our family.  For me, the absolute worse time is after the kids go to bed. I guess people would assume that I look forward to their 8pm bedtime as the grand finish line to another exhausting day, but instead of feeling relieved, I ache with lonesomeness. My house is quiet and without my children's bubbly noises, and I am filled with the silent loneliness of my new" normal". 
  Like most military families, Jeff and I are without the luxury of having family nearby to watch the kids when we need a date night. We live on one income so it isn't very practical to hire a babysitter AND spend money to go out.  I always thought of our moments together after the kids had gone to bed as our "date" time. Our time to connect,  to be together, and to be a married couple and not just mom and dad.  I always thought the term soulmate was so cheesy that it almost always made me throw up a little in my mouth when I heard someone use that term when describing their significant other. However, I can think of no other word to describe how Jeff feels to me. All wives should feel as important and cherished as my husband makes me feel. I am right below God when it comes to Jeff's list of priorities. No interest or hobby or career would ever replace me in his heart. He is my other half.  He completes me. And, yes, he is my soulmate.
  In addition to missing his companionship, I also miss his partnership. I am so blessed to be married to a man who is a dedicated and involved father. Lyn and Jack are the apple of Jeff's eye and bring so much joy into his heart. I know that it physically pains him to be separated from his children. His greatest joy was always coming home from work and playing with them. Jeff also helps me so much around the house that I am, admittedly, having a bit of a hard time keeping up with everything. It was so nice to have someone to wash the dishes while I bathed the kids or to help me put away laundry. It is so nice to have the extra help with chores because it is difficult to accomplish all the household chores while simultaneously homeschooling my two blessings.  Most military wives will tell you that with each deployment/extended absence you may learn to cope a little better, but it never gets any easier. And yet, in the midst of this storm God has given me so much to praise Him for.
  How blessed am I to even have a husband worthy of missing this much?!  That alone is a gift from GOD! I still am in awe as how He saw me as good enough to be Jeff's wife.  I feel honored that I can even be married to someone of Jeff's magnitude, and yet God saw fit to give him to me. How awesome!
  In addition to blessing me with a truly magnificent husband, the good Lord has gifted us two extraordinary children. They are so obedient and willing to help while their dad is away. Sometimes I am just in awe of the beautiful people my children are. So kind, caring, and wise beyond their years. One of the first comments people make when I tell them that Jeff is gone is, "Wow, I bet it drives you crazy to not get a break from the kids." Honestly, I think the kids are what keep me from going insane. I have their laughter and company to pass the time with. I would hate to be left alone with nothing but my thoughts. Anytime I feel sad, I can just look at them and think about the wonderful two beings that were created from my loving marriage. There is really no great gift I could have been given than that.
  Most of all, God has placed such extraordinary people in my life since we moved to San Angelo almost 5  years ago. Have you ever heard the saying, "There are two types of family you are given in this life. The one you are born into, and the one you choose."?  The friends I have made here truly are my family; I love them like we are of the same blood.  I could not get through this nor any other difficult time I have faced here without God and the "angels" He has placed in my life.  It is such an honor that I have gotten to know, befriend, and love these people. With them, many of life's mountains have been easier to climb.
   Romans 8:28 reminds me that "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." I know that God will use this difficult time in my life to bring glory to His plans for me and my family.  Sometimes my focus is so small that I miss out on the greater picture that God is creating.  Instead of drowning in misery in the storm I may be facing, I will try to keep an eternal perspective and look ahead to the sunny days I know are just over the horizon.

No More Leftovers

   My children get the best of me most days--the piping hot dish freshly planned and delicately prepared me.  I put all of my effort, planning, and joy into their school day. We laugh, investigate, talk, snuggle, sing, and play.  Unfortunately, my freshness seems to wear out by about 4pm.  By that time, I usually begin supper prep and the kids are occupying themselves in the family room with toys carelessly strewn about. By the time my husband comes home, all I have left to serve up to him is my disheveled bland two-day old meatloaf self.
  It doesn't help that he is an overly sweet laid-back guy. He would never dream of hurting my feelings by saying, "I see the toy box threw up in the family room again" or "Do you ever wear anything besides sweats?".  And quite honestly, I'm not even too sure that those things bother him. However, I do know that because he doesn't make a fuss; I have lately been giving him the bare minimum.
   I am already thinking of things I'm going to ask him to do before he even walks through the door. I don't greet him as fresh-faced wife eager to hear about his day. Often the first words out of my mouth are, "Please finish Bible study with Lynsey" or "I need the dishwasher unloaded."  He is happy to oblige, and I am so grateful for his help. However, that has made me come to the realization that I am making no special efforts to ensure that his needs are met as well.
  I can't remember the last time I put effort into my appearance just for him. Actually, if I am wearing jeans, a nice top, and makeup for an activity we do earlier in the day, I will actually go home, take off my makeup, and put on sweats before Jeff comes home.  The thing that bothers me is not that he doesn't care because I feel blessed to have a husband who loves my stay-at-home mom comfy self. I am bothered because I have stopped caring.
Why is it that I can justify putting so much effort into my children and homeschooling, but offering nothing but the bare minimum sometimes to my marriage? Isn't marriage in itself a much bigger lesson to be teaching my children than math or grammar? I am suppose to be modeling a Proverbs 31 woman for my daughter so she can learn to be a joyfully obedient and loving wife.  My actions are supposed to show my son the type of woman he should choose.  By giving my husband what is left of me, I am not being the type of wife that God wants me to be, and I am not showing my children what type of marriage they should strive for.
 I often find a million excuses for my apathy. Well, let's face it, most of my days are just a little bit harder than Jeff's.  He will readily admit that my job is more difficult, and sometimes I will use that to justify my actions. The truth is, even though my job is 24-7 , there are many instances throughout my week that are choices. Enjoyable choices. I get to see my friends at playgroup each week; be refreshed by God's word at CBS every Wednesday morning, and I get to spend the day hugging and teaching my precious children.  I'm not so sure my husband gets so many enjoyable choices throughout his day. In fact, I'm pretty sure the most enjoyable part of his day is when he comes home to us.
  I have prayed for guidance in this area of weakness. I know that marriage is the foundation of our family. We cannot properly parent our children or run our household if our marriage is not balanced.  Now that the Lord has shown me this place of weakness, I have started taking steps to improve it.  On most days, I first try to sit with Jeff to talk about his day instead of giving him a to-do list. I enjoy listening about his day, and I think it gives him a good release from any stress he may have had and helps him transition into the husband-daddy mode.  I also try a lot harder to at least go for the "illusion of clean" downstairs before he comes home. I make sure the kids have any extra toys picked up so Jeff can walk into an environment that isn't chaotic.  I also try to put as much effort into my appearance for him as I would for other activities I do(why is it that we get all dolled-up to impress women but let ourselves look like slobs for our husbands? lol) 
 As I said before, my husband never complains about anything. He would never make a fuss or say anything that would make me feel as if I am not doing a good job. However, I still want to show him that I love him enough to serve up the best of me, even if he doesn't ask.  Before we were parents, there was just Jeff and me, and in the blink of an eye it will be that way again.  I owe it to him, my marriage, and my children to be the best wife and mother I can be. Most of all, I want to be the wife, mother, and woman that God called me to be.

"An excellent wife is the crown of her husband" Proverbs 12:4a

Blessed to be Called

 Jeff and I want to share something that God has placed in our hearts.  It is not public knowledge, but Jeff and I have hoped to conceive another child ever since he returned home from Iraq in 2009.  Lynsey and Jackson are such blessings to us. We are head over heals in love with being parents! We have always planned to have a large family, hoping that was God's will for us.  Almost 3 years later, it seems that God's will is not for us to conceive another child, at least at this time. I have pondered, struggled, and even gotten angry over this. It seemed so unfair, especially because it seemed like everyone else was getting pregnant.   It was even more puzzling because we never had issues getting pregnant before.  I prayed day and night to make sense of this. I had so much difficulty understanding why God's answer was "NO".  Weren't we good parents, raising our children to love and know the Lord?  I sometimes neglect to realize that God always has a plan, and His plans are much bigger than what I think I need.  I stopped praying to ask Him "why?", and I started praying for God to show me what His plan was for my life.

     After much prayer and research, we believe that God has called us to adopt.  I very truly believe that this is His will for our family.  We have always been aware of all the children in need of homes, and very often donate to causes that care for orphans and needy children. We also have always been open to adoption, thinking it was something we would pursue down the road when Lyn and Jack were teens. It seems that God feels like now is the time for us to pursue this.  He has given us very clear direction and encouragement about this decision. Many signs happened over the previous week that made me feel even more confident that this is the right choice for our family. First, adoption was mentioned in our CBS lecture last week.  My good friend sitting next to me already knew of our plans and gave me a knowing glance. We both knew that it was a nudge from God.  After CBS, the children and I got in the van and turned on KLOVE only to hear an woman who had been adopted talking about the blessing of adoption.  The next morning when I logged onto Facebook, the first status on my news feed was from Not of this World clothing company. The status stated, "The Lord will provide!".  I truly believe that these things were not random coincidences, but signs of encouragement from the Lord.
So what's next???......   We have been in contact with a Christian agency, and are planning an international adoption.Upon the agency's request(and we are in agreement with them about this), we will not begin the process until Jeff returns from Korea in 2013.  There is still so much we'll have to do: raise funds, tons of paper work, complete a home study, wait for a referral, etc. However, we know our God will be beside us every step of the way.
  We are so excited to be called to embark on this wonderful journey.  Like so many others, I felt discouragement because it seemed like my own plans weren't working out, but I just needed to listen to the Lord to realize that He had other things in store for our family.  This isn't our "Plan B"; adoption was God's plan for us all along:-)

 

Happy Veterans' Day

On Veterans' Day, I always remember the sacrifices made by all of the men and women who have fought for our country. I am especially thankful for the hero who leads our family. My husband has proudly served as an active duty member of the USAF since 2002. He is fully committed to his job and his country. He genuinely cares about the young airmen that he supervises. Jeff prays for his co-workers every single day; he is concerned when they are having life struggles. Not only does Jeff truly care about his fellow airmen, but also he loves America with all of his heart. Most of all, though, Jeff successfully leads our family while serving his country. Whether he away overseas or beside me in bed, I can count on his level head and discerning heart to lead me. I feel so loved and cherished by him. I am so thankful that our children have him as their father. He loves Lynsey and Jackson so much and makes a point to spend most if not all of his free time with them. Even if their daddy is fighting for freedom thousands of miles away, they can still feel wrapped up in his love. So today I want to say thank you to all of our American airmen, soldiers, marines, and sailors, but I especially want to thank my husband. Jeff, I am grateful not just for your service to our country, but also for your service to our family.

A Wife of Noble Character

“A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.” (Proverbs 31:10)

“I don’t like reading Proverbs 31 because no woman can live up to that.” I hear this often from women. I can see their point because the day isn’t long enough to accomplish everything that’s mentioned in those verses! Has anyone else wondered how on earth we even start aspiring to be this woman? And why should we even try? Even the author of this chapter says, "An excellent wife, who can find?" Yeah, where is she? We are constantly being told by the media and the people around us that we are not good enough, and most women today are desperately in need of refreshment and encouragement, not another list of things to do or be. Was Proverbs 31 written to be yet another list for us to measure up to?
Yes, and no. There is no denying that God has a set of standards and expectations He has placed for us. As children of God, we are to be living Christ like lives. As women, we are to be reflecting God's character by being virtuous women. Proverbs 31 may be seen as the outward results of a heart that is being transformed into Christlikeness, the observable image of a woman after God's own heart. The Proverbs 31 woman is not perfect, not would she claim to be. Humility is one thing that sets a godly woman apart. Just as Paul speaks of the fact that he has not attained perfection and is still pressing on towards the goal" in Philippians 3:12-14, we also are to be striving to be the woman that God intends us to be. This does not mean that we have to accomplish it all in one day. It does not mean that God expects us to be perfect. It means that we are living with a focus on becoming that woman, wife, and mother that God desires us to be and to be consistently growing towards that. a
A wise woman once said, "Who we are today is who we will become tomorrow." This shows the fluidity of the growing process. An excellent wife is not born on her wedding day. She becomes excellent step by step, year by year, by walking in the direction of excellence with the guidance of the Lord. This kind of worth does not simply fall upon you, it is cultivated over time. Trying to change into the person we want to be in five years in an overwhelming thought, but what about just being a little more like the person you want to be today? Just today. When we look at the situations we face today and consider how that woman we want to become would handle theses situations, that gives us not only a better idea of how to become the woman we know that God desires us to be, but is a task that seems a little more manageable.
It is also important to realize that attempting to be this woman apart from nourishing, sustaining, life-giving relationship with Jesus Christ is only going to lead to burnout and resentment. The story of Martha and Mary shows us that if we are not taking time to sit at the feet of Jesus and let Him speak to us personally, then we are missing the most important thing, the thing that gives us strength for the tasks of the day, enables us to maintain and nurture the relationships in our lives, and to play the roles that we are daily required to play.
Mary was not being lazy when she spent time with Jesus. She was most likely taking time from her busy day of responsibilities to do what was foundational for everything else she did. She was soaking in the love of Christ. The heart of a Proverbs 31 woman is the type of heart that Jesus had, and wants to develop in us as well.
Let him do work in your life and listen for him to give you guidance throughout the day. Let him lavish you with his love so that you are full, healthy and able to give the same care to your husband and children that He desires to give to you.
Now that we see that the idea is to be on a journey of allowing God to work in your life in a way that transforms you into his image, and that gaining the strength for that journey comes from and intimate and nourishing relationship with our Lord and Savior
In the end, to be an excellent wife, is impossible without 2 things: fear of the Lord and a husband*. To fear the Lord is the beginning of knowledge (Proverbs 1:7), and it is also the only thing that would motivate someone to work that hard to be a blessing to their spouse. Her reward? Blessings money could never buy and no shopping trip could compare with. The ability to smile at the future. Children who rise up and call her blessed (Proverbs 31:28). And the praise of her husband:
Many daughters have done nobly,
"But you excel them all". — Proverbs 31:29
Any Christian woman that has a heart to obey God can become an excellent wife.

"Not that I have already obtained it or have already become perfect but I press on so that I may lay hold of that for which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus. Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do; forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:12-14